


Bet You Didn't Know You Could Use It Like That

by Zilchtastic



Category: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-06
Updated: 2010-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-07 02:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zilchtastic/pseuds/Zilchtastic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two mugs slid across the countertop, and Reno almost fumbled his. Beer sloshed against his fingers, soaking into the edge of his shirtsleeve.</p><p>"Enjoy, boys." Tifa was smiling almost <i>painfully</i> wide. It was freaking Reno out. He picked up his beer and found that he couldn't even take a drink.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bet You Didn't Know You Could Use It Like That

"How was she?" Rude asked when Reno finally put down the phone.

Reno shrugged. "Giggly. Kinda... What's the word? When a girl's bein' all tee-hee and fluttery-eyelashed and--"

"Coquettish," Rude supplied easily.

"Yeah, sure." Reno stared at the phone, almost frowning.

"It worries me when Tifa is _coquettish_," he said, finally, like it was some sort of prophecy of doom.

***

She's polite, _friendly_ even, when Reno talks to her on the phone again. Her laugh is light. _I dropped a structural support on your Sector_ Reno almost wants to remind her, but it's not like she's _forgotten_ that, right?

"It's freaking me out," Reno said as he hung up.

"What'd she say?" Rude didn't actually look up from the magazine he was reading, or at least pretending to read. _Midgar Theatre Monthly_? Come on. The date was over a year old.

Reno shrugged. "She _says_ Cloud'll be here. That's not the point. The point is--"

"She's being coquettish again."

"Right." Reno slumped in his chair. "I dropped a chunk of _city_ on her _Sector_, Rude, an' she sounds like any minute she's gonna invite me to _tea_."

Rude folded his magazine. Distantly, they could hear the sound of a motorbike coming up the main path.

"Maybe it'll be poisoned," Rude said, sympathetically.

***

The shit with Kadaj didn't leave much time for socializing, and neither did the aftermath-- the next few weeks were a flurry of activity, now that Rufus was on the road to recovery and his Turks were finally able to stop hovering over him like worried nursemaids. Reno threw himself into his job with a gusto he'd almost forgotten, putting Tifa out of his mind.

A month later, he got an envelope in the mail.

"It says 'two free beers'," Reno said, squinting at the coupons like he was looking for the fine print.

"So? Two free beers is two free beers."

Reno shot his partner a dirty look. "Not if they're _poisoned_ beers. I hate getting poisoned."

Rude sighed and set down his book. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"Yeah. Bring some Cure Materia and a Remedy."

"Sure thing. I'll even hold your hand in case she threatens you with pretzels."

"Rude?"

"Mm?"

"Shut the _fuck up._"

***

Seventh Heaven was in full party mode when they got there. Reno scanned the shadows for assassins, booby traps, _anything_.

"Are we just gonna stand here, partner, or are we going in?" Rude rumbled at his shoulder.

Reno took a deep breath, a man steeling himself for the worst. "Let's do this."

Tifa's face lit up when they slid through the door. "Hey! You came!"

Reno flinched and then recovered, offering up a watered-down grin. "I just can't pass up a free beer."

They ambled over to the bar and sat down. The jukebox was going, loud but not defeaning, and they had a decent view of all the doors. Nobody was making any suspicious movements.

Reno swallowed, hard.

"So, about those beers..."

Two mugs slid across the countertop, and Reno almost fumbled his. Beer sloshed against his fingers, soaking into the edge of his shirtsleeve.

"Enjoy, boys." Tifa was smiling almost _painfully_ wide. It was freaking Reno out. He picked up his beer and found that he couldn't even take a drink.

Rude was tipping his back like he didn't have a care in the world.

"Are you nuts?" Reno hissed, jabbing him in the side with an elbow. "What if it's roofied, dumbass?"

The corners of Rude's mouth turned up in a subtle smirk. "Tifa can take advantage of me anytime she wants."

Reno huffed, blowing hair out of his eyes. "Knew you'd say that. Bastard."

***

Reno finally let Rude coax him into drinking his beer. When he failed to die or explode or turn purple, he cautiously ordered another, and then another. And then three more.

"I don' _feel_ poisoned," Reno said later, during a quick bathroom break.

"You don't look poisoned, either," Rude said, zipping up. "You _do_ sound drunk, though."

Reno laughed. "After only four? No, wait. Five. Six?" He briefly rinsed his hands under the tap. "I got plenty room for more."

Rude rolled his eyes-- probably. It was hard to tell when there was eye-rolling going on behind the shades. "Just don't start drunk-dialing Tseng again. He'll kill you."

Reno pushed open the door and stumbled back out into the excited murmur of the bar. "No worries. I changed my speed dials around, now Rufus is first on the list."

Rude sighed.

***

They stayed until bar close, at Reno's insistence. Around the middle of the night he'd started fiddling with his PHS, and Rude had dutifully taken it from him before Reno could call the President and get himself fired for the second time this month. Undaunted, Reno leaned over the bar and annoyed Tifa, instead.

"You know what?" He was peering at her with drunken intensity. "You know _what_? You're okay, Tifa. You're a pretty cool chick."

Tifa smiled with amazing tolerance and threw a glance in Rude's direction.

"I mean, shit, lettin' bygones be bygones. That's. That's some cool shit." Reno swayed in his seat, and Rude put a hand on his shoulder to keep him upright. "If I was me and you was you--" He broke off, frowned briefly, and started again. "If you was me an' I was you, I'd be totally kicking me in the face right now. If I was you. I mean."

"I'm not going to kick you in the face, Reno," Tifa said.

"That's good. Real good. I'd prolly look up your skirt anyway."

"I'm wearing shorts, Reno."

"'Kay, I'd look up your _shorts_, then." Reno put a hand over his face. His shoulders convulsed as he giggled. "Fuck, Rude. How many did I have?"

"Lost count at ten," Rude said.

"I think we better go." Reno swiveled on his stool and lurched, hard. Rude caught him one-armed and hauled him up to lean against his shoulder.

"I'll put him in the car," Rude said, nodding to Tifa.

Reno waved like an idiot as Rude dragged him away. "You wear a skirt next time, yeah? Then you can kick me in the face all you want."

Tifa just smiled and waved back.

***

Rude stuffed Reno into the passenger seat and then marched back into Seventh Heaven. He leaned over the bar. "Okay. I have to know. What did you put in his drink."

"I didn't poison him," Tifa said with a sniff. "Too easy."

"Then what--"

She smirked, and Rude actually drew back. It was a smirk of _pure evil_. "Well, let's just say that I've found an interesting new use for Soft."

There was a long moment of terrible, terrible silence.

"You didn't," said Rude.

"I did. I really, really did."

Rude took a step back, then another. He kept his hands up as he edged toward the door.

Tifa didn't stop smiling. "He'll be fine. If he's lucky, he'll be able to get it up again in a week or two."

Terrified, Rude fled.

***

"I'm going back there," Reno said the next morning, "and I'm gonna tell her to just poison me."

Rude sighed and set his book down, marking the page. It was impossible to get through an entire sonnet when Reno was around.

"You'll be fine," he said. "A week without jerking off won't kill you."

Reno stared at him, eyes wide. "It's gonna last a _whole week?_"

"Reno--"

"Gimme your gun." He was reaching for Rude's jacket. "Tell my mother I loved her."

"You don't have a mother, and you didn't." Rude slapped his hands away. "Stop being such a drama queen."

"This is cruel and unusual punishment," Reno whined. "Why couldn't she just hit me or something?"

"Too easy," Rude murmured. "Besides, you'd enjoy it too much."

"_She_ doesn't gotta know that."

The buzzer on Reno's door shrilled angrily. Rude went to get it, automatically, as if he lived here. He was spending way too much time over if he was fetching Reno's mail for him. He shifted through the envelopes (bill, bill, porno mag, bill) and juggled a small package in his other hand before dumping it all on the kitchen counter.

Reno eyed the package warily.

"Just open it," Rude said. "If it was a bomb the scanner down in the lobby would've caught it." He set to work prying open Reno's bills, because if they weren't tacked to the fridge Reno would stuff them under the couch and forget about them.

Reno poked at his package. "I almost wish it WAS a bomb." But then he sighed and tore away the brown paper wrapping.

Inside were two things: a carefully stoppered flask, and a note.

The note read: _You have just won FREE BEER FOR A LIFETIME down at Seventh Heaven! Congratulations!_

The flask read REFILL down one side. Inside there was the distinctive bitter scent of Soft.

Reno put his head down on the counter and whimpered like a whipped dog.

Rude just sighed and went back to his book.


End file.
